| | This fear, this trepidation has its grip on my throat. It swings me around so I'm dizzy and unable to stand.
An issue, that really shouldn't have been nearly as big a problem as it was in my mind, was finally resolved last night. An issue that did not need to be twisted so out of control were it not for my cowardice. It took almost a month, but finally, it's over.
I don't know what to say. I don't know why it affected me so badly. The very idea of it made me want to hide under my desk and cry. The idea of just talking about it had me signing off of everything online and turning my phone off so that I couldn't be contacted. I knew I wasn't being fair, that I was being childish and a coward. But I couldn't deal with it.
As it turns out, nothing had to be said. I didn't need to explain. And now, the relief I'm experiencing is unbelievable. Who would have thought that this had weighed so heavily on me?
I've given up on my goal of not seizing by March. It's impossible. There's no way it can be done. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't.
Church has been difficult. So very difficult. Perhaps it's stuffiness and humidity. I feel like when I go to church now, I'm just asking to seize. But I suppose that's how I felt about uni and CBS talks at uni every semester. Should I continue going to church? I've had bad spells like this before, so I guess I should just wait for this lot to pass. But Mandy, that doesn't answer the question.
Well, it's the right thing to do, right? To continue, to meet and encourage other people through example, to persevere? Next question - is anyone actually being encouraged? Because if no one is then I'm putting myself through this for nothing. It hurts. It's not like I can actually hear the talk. In fact, I'm preventing other people from hearing the talk. I go to church, I run out, seize, go back in, run out again, seize, go back in, and the third or fourth time I probably have to be carried out. But I really do feel like I'm fine, like I'm done seizing when I go back in. And then it happens again.
Some part of me feels like I should go take a long walk off a short pier for being so weak. What happened to mind over matter, hm? You gave up on your goal so easily with about a month and a half to go. You refused to talk to someone for almost a month to avoid talk of training. What is this? Avoiding your problems? Aren't you usually one to face problems head on? Talking of not going to church anymore? It's not even the end of the first month, and what have you learned so far this year? What have you learned Mandy? That I'm a weak, cowardly disappointment who can't do anything right. That's what I've learned this year.
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| | Posted 1/19/2012 3:41 PM - 86 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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